Are you a desk potato? Here are a few of the telltale signs to watch out for:

1. You're reading this page.

Bad sign already. If you're reading this page it means you are doing some serious surfing into the far reaches of webscurity.

2. Time moves at a different rate for you.

One minute for you can mean several hours for people in normal space. There is actually a technical reason for this. It is a temporal distortion field caused by excessive bogon flux emanating from the CRT.

3. You can remember the most obscure commands but not family birthdays.

You have no trouble remembering that Ctrl-N launches a second Netscape window, or that http://www.norsat.com/norsat/microsat/tuning.html will automatically tune your satellite receiver, but you are not sure what day your sister's birthday or your <gulp!> anniversary is.

4. You hope for rainy days.

Rainy days mean that you won't be hassled about going outside and doing yard work. On a rainy day you can get in a good 16 - 20 hours or more of guilt free surfing!

5. You keep forgetting to capitalize people's names.

Too many hours of writing email have hampered your ability to communicate with normal.people@realworld.earth.pl.

6. Your Nerdity has been tested at over 50%.

You have taken The Nerdity Test and scored over 50%. Note that younger desk potatoes may score abnormally low if you a) don't remember the days before the Graphical User Interface, or b) you are still in grade school.  If the answer is "a)" and you care that your score is low, spot yourself 10 points! (If the answer is "b)" then you are a "Geek in Training" (GIT).

7. You honor a different set of food groups.

The nutritional requirements of a desk potato are a bit different from those of normal humans. See The Desk Potato's Food Guide for details on how to maintain that spud-like body..

8. You keep ZDTV (now TechTV) in a window on your screen.

You watch The Screen Savers and Call For Help and participate in the simultaneous chat to share tips with GITs and Newbies. You remember Leo from The Site, and you have called The Screen Savers with your netcam to answer a question which stumped him.

9. You keep your computer at the highest possible screen resolution.

You couldn't stand the thought of having only one application on the screen, so you crank up that resolution so you can have two Netscape windows, email, a source code, and your satellite video all available at the same time!

10. Your subconscious can speak for you.

You have the ability to repeat the phrases "I'll be right there", "just one minute more", "goodnight" and others without needing to trouble your conscious mind with either the question or the response.

11. You love to wander aimlessly through useless web sites and You'll follow any Link just to see where it goes.

In fact, you may have occasionally been tempted to click on a link which said "DON'T CLICK HERE".

12. You have Cable and Satellite TV on your computer.

This qualifies you for the supreme rank of Spud Royale. The ultimate power surfer with all of the information that the internet, world, local TV, and satellite has to offer! News before it happens, pilots for shows that may never air, new shows days or weeks before anyone else, and of course, ZDTV!.

13. Spelling is a lost art.

You rely on a spell chequer sow much that you're sentences are awl spelled correctly but often don't make cents (without the speel chucker you couldn't spell yur way out of a wet paper bag).

I know I've missed some spudistic traits. If you think of a good one, please email it to deskpotato@lekei.ca and I may add the best ones.

This is just the beginning... keep your eyes peeled! Now showing: The Making of a Desk Potato or: "This Spud's For You" Must-See: M*A*S*H*E*D: The Desk Potato Movie

Comments to: deskpotato@lekei.ca
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